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| (As I was typing the title of this blog, I had an impulse to sing it to one of Rihanna's hits. :])
Hi.
I realized today that I had not looked back in a long time. That is, I had been moving forward full force in one direction - although everything is at a standstill for the moment due to my oh-very-fortuitous sickness - and I had forgotten about my yesterday life. Odd, how I am studying art history everyday and yet I never once thought about my own history.
But today's long-time-no-see visit here is different from my past ones. Not because I will pledge my loyal commitment or attempt to catch this up with my life. Because I won't. Today's brief excursion from my present state of pining away indeterminately is different because I don't want to write this entry for myself. I want to write it for the people and bygone-times that I miss.
I came back to look for any songs or poems I might have written in here and became engrossed in reading through all my entries and their comments from up to 4 years ago. I traveled back in time, retraced my steps back to the Berkeley freshie me, the Valencia new junior me, and the escaped from SIS me. More things than I can ever fully describe or even remember have happened to me over the years, many of which I am not grateful for. But, they happened to me, thus they are part of my life, and reading the typical teenager conversations between myself and the friends of that time I was reminded that I did spend chapters of my life with these people. Sadly, the common consequence of all of my friendships is losing touch. I've moved around my whole life, so coming to a new place, acquainting myself with the present company, and then moving on and leaving behind that place comes a little too easy for me. In addition, you only get to really know me in a face-to-face setting, and that's the way it stays. (I guess I'm a defect child of this IT generation).
And this is why it is that much harder for me to reconnect.
As I greedily redigested the replies to my past weblogs, I wanted to click on each of the familiar xanga id's and say, "Hello. Remember me? We used to be buddies earlier this millenium. I used to really like hanging out with you, before you or I or we both had to leave. I miss you." Why didn't I just do it? Probably because it would have taken me forever to personalize the message for each person and another forever to decide whether it would be too awkward or not for each person. But if I could, I would show up on each of their doorsteps with some brownies and a hug (= bang, once upon a time) and spend a while reliving my friendship with them.
And I know, this message will most likely be an echo that does not reach nine tenths of the audience for which I intended it to be, but I will hope that events defy probability and that the next time I visit, I can try a different approach to reconnect.
So I guess I lied. I did write this for me. But also for you.
I miss you.
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| around the world we go
in bits and pieces high and low
our breath flies through the sky
passing hills and oceans by
the items that we hold
get sent around and until they're old
ideas from all our minds
rest for a moment on each find
around the world we go
to places that we'll never know.
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| writing in xanga is like taking a stroll in the park...
it's not part of my daily, weekly, or monthly routine, but it's nice to do it once in a while..
clear my head, appreciate my surroundings, reflect upon my inner self...
and here are some random thoughts..
i found i was highly amused by this writing i chanced to observe on a bathroom wall:
don't worry yourself
who cares if they hear the sound?
everybody poops
-the poo haiku
:]
so i'm taking this career personality test (oh, those crazy tickle tests) and question number 30 asks:
which of the following faults are you guilty of?
-i'm too forgiving and a pushover
-i'm too critical and unyielding
the problem is, my answer is both. i am too forgiving and a pushover of people who end up taking advantage of me, and yet i am too critical and unyielding of people before they get a chance to show me who they really are.
in the end, i chose the former answer option, not because i was more guilty of that, but because i would rather be too forgiving than too critical. in a twisted sense, that is what i would strive for.
mm.. interesting.. the test says i'm an INFP. meaning: i am introverted, intuitive, feeling and perceiving.
if you are deathly bored, you can read what it means to be an INFP
.
"Seeing the forest through the
trees is never a problem for you. When others lose sight of the destination, you
keep them on the right path. You are not afraid to take calculated risks as long
as you've had the chance to think deeply about it. In other words, you never
jump the gun on a project. Although you may not be a religious person, being
spiritual and creative is a crucial part of your identity. Others regard you as a
Renaissance person and see you as an endless source of information. Your
breadth is not at the expense of depth though. You are a life-long knowledge
seeker who adds thoughtfulness to your character. You have the ability to work
alone if need be but you do enjoy making personal connections with others.
Although it may not be readily apparent to others, your work often reflects
something about your values and feelings."
"
About 3-4% of the U.S. population has this combination of personality type. And
that's a good thing. Since employers are always looking to balance out
personalities in their environment, they probably have difficulty finding someone
with your distinct personality traits."
"
Based on their personality patterns, here are some famous people who would
most likely fit your personality type. Nobel Peace Prize Winner Dr. Albert Schweitzer, Julia
Roberts, William Shakespeare, Helen Keller"
william shakespeare is my homie... nice.
:]
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| i guess i was too invested.
because this hurts too damn much.
it didn't even hurt that much right after.
only after thinking about it, letting those feelings that i had pushed away into a corner and covered up with "i'm okay with that" manifest themselves, did it kick in.
man, did it kick me hard in the face.
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| it's always those nights when i know i have so much to do that i find myself sitting in front of this window.
heh. "window."
i guess that works both literally and metaphorically.
a window i look through to see inside.
my life has lately been and is intensely filled with sighs.
sighs...
of excited anticipation. joyful pleasure. warm contentment. admiration. gratefulness... once upon a beach.
of doomed shock. misbelief. devastation. utter guilt. helplessness. worn out sorrow... once upon an accident.
sighs...
of preparedness. nervous hesitancy. humored enjoyment. sensual pleasure. embarrasment... once upon a party.
of feeling sick. tiredness. annoyance. surprised disappointment. upset pettiness... once upon today.
oh life.
oh the range of hills and valleys we trek through.
oh the way we get caught up with a pothole when we've passed canyons and been atop clouded peaks.
oh life.
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